- He's sort of... - It's ten to ten.
- Pardon? - It's ten to ten.
- I can't speak... here he is. - Hiya.
- Nice jacket. - Whatever.
- Looks a bit like mine. - What make's yours?
- Armani. - Expensive.
- And yours? - Sergio georgini.
New shoes as well. Quite a heel on them.
- We still on for ten? - Yup.
People see me and they see the suit, and they go "you're not
fooling anyone." They know I'm rock and roll through and through.
You know that old thing "live fast, die young"? Not my way.
Live fast, sure. Live too bloody fast sometimes! But die young? Die old.
I'm not orthodox. I don't live by "the rules".
If there's one other person who's influenced me in that way of thinking -
someone who's a Maverick, someone who does that to the system - it's Ian botham.
Because, beefy will happily say, "that's what I think of your selection policy.
"Yes, I've hit the odd copper. Yes I've enjoyed the old doobie.
"But will you piss off and leave me alone? I'm
walking to John o'groats for some spastics."
You been reorganising stuff out there? It looks a bit chaotic, that's all.
Assmimilating. We're assimilating. And uh..
Assimilating what?
- Just taking on people and putting them... - Into lots?
Yeah. Just categorising. Not in any sort of like "label me"...
But just, "that's your vibe. That's your vibe."
What's in here, then?
Oh, my God. A leather basque. Fantastic.
I've always wanted one of these actually. A
leather basque cheers, guys. Let's try it on.
See if it fits.
You should try it on properly in case you have to take it back.
- Try it on without that stuff underneath. - Fits!
Happy Birthday.
- Oh, my God! It's disgusting. - Even I'm shocked.
- You dirty mare! Does it work? - One size fits all.
Sorry. Can I just...? Look at the face. Gareth, look at the face.
- I'm not touching that. - Why? Look.
- You don't know where it's been, mate. - Well I do
know where it's been. It's been in a box, gareth.
- No I mean at the factory. - The factory. Your amazing mind again.
In my experience, women who work in factories are slappers, so, dunno whats....
Thank you everybody for my lovely presents.
They're malleable... and that's what I like, really.
I don't like people coming here with uh, "oh we do it this way. We do it that way."
I just want to go, "do it this way... If you like. If you don't..."
Team playing. I call it "team individuality".
It's a new, it's like a management style. Again,
- guilty. Unorthodox. Sue me. - It is.
But nothing ever changes by staying the same.
Quite literally.
- Hi, guys. - Hello.
You like that, don't you? Is that because it looks like yours?
Yeah. It's identical. Well mine's not that size
- it's very tiny - but it is made of plastic.
Mine's massive and it ain't made of plastic.
I dare you to go and put it in Brent's office.
- Why? - It's a dare.
He's having a meeting with Neil. I can't..
Well it's kind of the challenge, mate.
- Why would I do that? - Coz it would make me laugh.
- I'll do it. - No I'll do it. It's all right.
- All you gotta do is just go in there and hide it
in there somewhere. That's all. - Just hide it?
- Yeah. - Simple. It couldn't be easier.
Straightforward.
- Come in.
Sorry to interrupt. I just wondered if...
That's embarassing. I've completely forgotten what I came in for. I'm sorry.
Come on, Tim.
- Get it back. - Too many late nights.
Sorry. It's totally gone. I'm holding your folder. Sorry.
I just.. No it's gone. Bse. No more beef.
There's something you can do for me. My lot haven't been down to the warehouse yet.
- Would you mind taking them down? - Not at all.
- There's not a lot of ponit. There's not a lot to see. - We're one
organization. I think itd be a good idea for everyone to know everyone else.
Tell glynn I said it's ok.
Tell Taffy that I said it was ok and Neil agrees with me.
- Ok. - Thanks, Tim.
I.. Sorry, that was brilliant. Did you see it went under the folder?
- Gareth, out of ten? - Give it a three.
- Three?! - Three?!
"You can't beat a bit of bully!" "Bullseye"! Here they are. Likely lads.
- Hi. - New shoes.
- Fashion. - Do you want a game?
Yeah. "Up to the oche. Let tu-oni look after you."
"Two in a bed."
Shit flights on those. A bit fuddy-duddy, darts, for a couple of young lads.
- Not young. 29. - Oo over the hill.
How old would you say I was if you didn't know me?
- 40? - No. How old do you think I look?
- 39. - Most people think I look about 30, so..
- Definitely not. - Oh you calling them liars?
- What do you think? - Well, between 30 and 40.
Yes. More honest.
Ok. Now, guys, we're about to enter a warehouse environment.
Now I must warn you some of the people in here will be
working-class. So uh, there may be arse-cleavage, so...
Just find a partner. Hold hands. Don't talk to anyone though, ok?
Are you cheering? Ok. Let's go.
Here's the hub of the operation. Working hard as usual.
- All right? - The stripper's arrived.
I'll tell you what. You're gonna have five minutes, but no touching.
I always knew you were bent.
- Hey, don't worry. She'll get the old milkers out for a tenner. - Fuck off.
- What? - Lend us a tenner!
- You won't see them tonight. - That's all right. I've got cable.
Ok. I'm gonna show you this aisle first.
Bender!
No! Get lost, you cheeky bastard.
No!
David. This is ray and jude. Ray and jude...
Sorry. Forgotten where you're from.
- From Cooper & webb - consultants. - Who's Cooper and who's webb?
- Neither of us. - I bet you get that all the time.
No.
Anyway...
First things first. Any more mail?
Mr d. Brent. That's me.
Come through.
Must just...
Shoot.
- Are you aware of what we do? - No.
Basically, we organise training days for corporations and individuals
who pay to get an advantage in business.
But it's not just telling boring facts.
We also have businees experts who train them how to act, how to walk
into a room and say, "I'm the guy you're going to do business with."
Ok, I'll stop you there. I really don't need anything
like that. I do all my own in-house training.
Sorry. No... no sorry. Uh... We're not trying to get your business.
We'd very much like you to be one of our experts.
Good choice. Why did you dudes swing by here in the first place?
Well we'd heard a lot of good things about wertnamm-hogg. We also
got your name from a guy we work with called Andy Hitchcock.
Oh, God. Cockles. Cocky. The big cock.
Next time you're talking to him, just ask him
if he got the grass stains out of his trousers.
Not in front of his wife.
What sort of tip would you want me on? If I was to..
We're looking for people who are dynamic, who are also good communicators.
It's a corporate message, but, obviously we're after people
who can communicate with young people - 20-somethings.
You don't see heels like those much nowdays.
You can still find them. Um..
- What sort of bunce will I be looking at? - Sorry?
- Well, to start with... - Bunsen burner.
Bunsen burner - nice little earner. Hence the...
Bunce.
Well to begin with we'd put you on about £300.
£300 just for an hour's work?
Well no. You'd only talk for about 15 minutes.
15 minutes! That's...
That's £1,200 an hour pro rata. That's the sort
of fee I'd be looking at for this, so, yeah.
- When would you want to do it? - Soon.
Count me in. Thank you.
Sorry, do you have a diary? We could make some dates now.
Absoluemo. What's that?
- It's a dildo. - Is it yours?
- No! - No. I don't know... sorry. Let's..
This is an example of problems. Let's have a look.
Ok, everybody. What am I doing in there with a dildo?
She says it's not hers and I for one believe her, so whose is it?
Right. What's it doing in there?
It's a birthday present, but I don't know what it's doing in there.
Ok. Good harmless fun.
So today's your birth.. Many happy returns, but what have we learnt from this?
- Not to leave your dildo lying around? - Don't let it
out of your sight, because, it can wind up anywhere.
- Oh. What's that?
Just... Sorry. How do you...?
Oh, it's worse. What do you do when that happens? Well you probably... I'd..
Just.. Can you make sure that gets back to...?
- Can we put some dates in? - Sure. We're in the middle of something.
You've got to smuggle this somewhere about your person.
- I'm not saying anything about... - If you want
to see bravery, come to me. I'll do a dare.
- Bravery? - Yeah c'mon.
I'm gonna phone dav... no. I'm gonna write things for you to say. Now come here.
And then I'm gonna phone David and I want you to say exactly what I write down, ok?
No way. You'll make me sound like a bender.
No look. I swear I won't.
- No way. - It'll just be funny things. It will come out cute and all.
I'm not gonna say anything that makes me sound like a bender.
- Hello? - Hi it's gareth.
Hiya. I'm in a meeting at the moment, gareth.
Yeah. Just going to say a few things.
All right.
- You're doing a great job. - Ok.
Just an employee saying what a superb job I'm doing. Is that it?
No. I like your little beard.
- Ok. Is that it? - One more thing.
What?
You should wear tighter trousers.
- Can I get you to call you back? - Yeah. Bye.
- That was genius! Genius. Genius. - Thank you.
Brilliant.
We have a website with profiles of all our speakers
on them. Would you mind answering a few questions?
- No. Go for it. - Ok.
"If you could have a working lunch with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?"
Martin Luther King and the dalai lama... and Rory bremner.
Those two could get a bit heavy, and he'd lighten things up.
Probably do impressions of them... and me!
"What's your biggest disappointment?"
- Alton towers. - Oh.
- I've never been. - It's rubbish. Next.
- Hello. - Hiya.
- Still doing your practical jokes? - Yeah. I'm
trying to do some work now. Should be given a rest.
- I've got some. - Have you?
- Yeah. - What you got?
Oh...
I used to do loads... what were they?
We can think of some.
- Absolutely. - Some new ones.
- Let's think of some good ones. - For?
What about gareth? It's about time he had some tricks played on him.
What would your motto be?
Well, I've noticed that some bosses are
intimidated by training their staff up too well.
They don't.. I don't mind it. I actually like my staff to be better than me.
That way, it keeps me on my toes. So my motto would be...
Be careful because there's always someone ready to step into your shoes
and do your job better... than... you... Do it.
Heh heh.
I'm gluing the phone.
- In the name of fun. - He will hate you.
- What's in it? - What's this?
Sorry. It's a little birthday bash for Trudy.
Who organised this?
I did.
Bit over the top, innit?
How much did that cost yeh? We're paying too much.
I made it myself.
- Made it yourself? - Every year, he makes 'em.
Oh. Bit sweet, innit. Too rich.
- That's really nice. - You ought to taste his lemon drizzle cake's. Even better.
I prefer a flan.
Whoo!
It's a pleasure to watch you. She's a prude.
- No, she's not. - She is.
- Really? - She's very...
- Not 40? - It's true. Every time that does happen...
Are you in a meeting? I've just had an interesting meeting.
See those two people over there? They're business people. Quite important actually.
They've got a business and they arrange seminars, management training seminars
where they get expert speakers to come and..
Sort of John Harvey-Jones type figures.
They've asked me. So... yeah.
Perfect for me though, because not only do I know about that
sort of stuff and have lots of natural authority with people,
but I'm an all-round entertainer, so they've...
Those qualities. Keep it under your hat.
See those two business people over there?
- Is that you? - Yeah.
You're funny. Could have had my eye out.
- Hello. Gareth keenan. - Cock!
Thank you! Oh, glorious! Did you see that? He still picked it up.
- Was that you? - We glued it.
- Was that like superglue? Oh, my God. - Yes.
I wouldn't say it would take very much of your time.
I appreciate your interest, but I'm just so busy.
What are we talking about?
We're just trying to involve this chap in the motivational..
Oh but you've asked me. A bit rude, innit?
Oh no we'd use both of you for different...
- I can do 'em both. - I can't anyway.
- Can I have your card just in case? - No point, is there?
Well we might be able to persuade you.
Well he said no once. If he goes behind that, he's weak.
- Anyway we ought to be going. - Yep. Leave it as it was. Yeah, as agreed.
- We'll be in touch, David. - Nice to meet you. Bye.
So you're definitely not doing it? I thought
you were trying to worm your way in.
- No I'm not interested. - Why? Beneath you, is it?
No. I just, don't think you can teach people that
sort of thing. Either you can do it or you can't.
- Depends who the guru is. - Beware of false prophets!
That's my point. It's not all about profits.
- I meant prophets... - I meant, I meant. If only, if only.
If only me auntie had bollocks, she'd be me Uncle.
Every time in one.
- Ok. Top trumps. Pop stars. - Pop stars?
- Right. Do you know how to play? - Yeah I know how to play.
No I don't talk about my love life for a very good
reason - and that reason is I don't have one.
Which is good news for the ladies, I suppose. I'm still available.
I'm a heck of a catch, coz, look at it. I live in slough, in a lovely house...
With my parents.
I have my own room, which I've had since I was born.
That's seen a lot of action, I'll tell you.
Mainly dusting.
I went to university for a year as well, before I dropped out, so I'm a quitter.
So, yeah, form an orderly queue, ladies.
Look at him.
I've been on safari and I've never seen anything like that.
I've got 94. I have got 94!
I do.
Well, I've been known to do that.
- Are you complaining? - No.
Number of haircuts. Is that a valid thing? Are you getting mullered?
- Not really. - You've spilt some on your...
- I know. Shall we carry on with the game? - I want to carry on. I wish you would.
Can I have...? Stop that.
But if they want to pay me that for 15 minutes work, that is their prerogative.
Chris Finch.
Finchy! All right? Go on.
What's the difference between a fox and a dog?
About eight pints of lager!
It's party time here, mate. You coming in?
- Why not? - I'm already here, you fat twat! - Hey finchy! Chis Finch. Here he is.
- Neil, my good friend, Chris Finch. - I know Chris. Nicks all my jokes.
I do not Nick 'em. I borrow them. Has that Lisa moved up here?
No. She left. She looked for a job.
- Well if it's a blow job, I can help her. - Not that desperate for money.
Tell her I'll take her up the dole office!
Dole orifice!
- Rubbish. - I've got a vacancy she can fill!
That's better. His work. Don't try and...
- What are you like? - Another one.
Once a year, kid. Cheers, cheers. Cheers to me.
If you like top trumps, you should come to me. I've got about five different sets.
Don't try to beat me on monster trucks though coz you wont. My specialty.
Well it's a game of chance though innit, so what you..
No. It's not.
I would know know what cards you'd got
immedietly, just through which cards I've got.
I used to play it, like just by myself with a dummy hand,
for just testing out, every different scenario, which
cards beat which other cards, for hours sometimes.
Three or four hours at a time, but, put in the work, but the rewards are obvious.
So I know exactly what cards you've got in your hand, from what cards I got,
and I would know probability-wise, exactly what feature to pick on my card
to defeat statistically any card that you could
have in your hand at that precise moment.
You will never win.
It'd still be fun, though.
Do you know what they're paying me for this?
No.
Right. 15 minutes work, 300 quid.
- £1,200 an hour - You do the math.
- Yeah. It'd be £1,200 an hour. - That's the sort of..
- Can I have a birthday kiss please? - You certainly can.
- All right. No tongues. - Oh.
Oh... that's good, isn't it? Didn't ask me out of respect. Knows I'd say no.
Didn't cross a boundary and that's... Good girl.
Go on.
That's a good idea. I always do it from behind if I don't like the face.
Cheeky bastard! You like my face, don't you, love?
I love your face. I think you're beautiful.
Yeah well you can still do me from behind anyway.
Ooh! I'll be there in a moment.
I'll do you from behind if you want, if it's
a quick in and out, no strings attached.
That's really sweet. Why don't you put that in an email to me?
All right.
# One kiss, two kiss, three kiss, four five kiss, seven kiss, eight kiss, more. #
- Birthday girl. Hello. - Hello.
- You all right? - Mmm. Great.
I'm just going to have a quick word.
I know it's your birthday and you're flirting
with everyone. You're mucking around, you know..
I know you wouldn't take it any further...
Oh I would!
- Why not? It's all equal. - I'm just having a laugh.
- I don't know what you're after. - A man! Hung like a shire horse!
Aren't they big magnificent animals?
- You say what you mean, don't you? - Mmm.
I'm just not sure you're going to find what you're after in here.
See I'd ask you, but you're a bit old, really.
In my 30s. Give me a break.
Born in the '30s!
- I'm 30-something. I'm 30s. - Yeah but you've let yourself go a bit.
I've let myself go a bit? Then look at yourself.
You're an embarrassment, love, to be honest.
- Bull rags? - What?
- I thought you said bull rags. - No. Raw eggs.
If you keep eating raw eggs, it makes you Randy,
but at the same time it allows you to do as many reps as you want.
- So, how's the old car business? - All right.
- Who's this? - The corrs, innit.
- I like the corrs. Done some good tunes. - Yeah? Didn't write that one, though.
- Who's that? - Don't you know?
- No. - Not into pop music I suppose.
Well I prefer R&B really. So who wrote that?
Fleetwood Mac. And I prefer their version as well.
- Well I know who I'd rather wake up with! - Ooh sexist Neil.
- They can play my instrument anyday! - I don't think you'd
pull women like the corrs with that sort of attitude.
- Coz you'd know? - Well I dunno why you're
laughing because I'm a dark horse, so you don't..
Like you could get anyone like the corrs!
Just 'cause I don't kiss and tell, doesn't mean I don't get..
You don't normally kiss, so you got nothing to tell.
He'd end up with the brother!
No I wouldn't. No I wouldn't. No I'd push the brother out of the
room, I'll get the other three and I'll bend them all over,
and I'd do the drummer, the lead singer, and that one who plays violin.
Ooh! See? Your fault. Putting filth in people's minds.
- My knees hurt. - Nearly done.